Wordless Wednesday

Day 11 – A Photo of Me Recently

The most recent photos of me were taken shortly after I created this blog and were some of the last photos taken with this camera. It will be awhile before I can have it repaired or replaced.

I do not like being photographed. I hate it, actually. I don't recall a time when I ever liked being in front of the camera, though I have loved being behind it since I was a little girl.

My word for this year is "Freedom". I am trying to break free and be the me that I am meant to be, and that includes getting over this in-front-of-the-camera aversion. My future offspring deserve to have the question "What did my grandma look like?" answered with a picture, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me to be the focus of attention.

I'm working on it.

The rest of the photos from that shoot can be seen here.

Day 10 – A Photo Taken Over 10 Years Ago of Me

This photo was taken in December 1993 at my oldest daughter's birthday party. I was pregnant with my second son. It was a very scary and very happy time for me. 1993 was the year that I lost my grandma and then barely 3 months later, I lost my second daughter. I was happy to be pregnant again, but so scared that I would lose this baby, too.

In this picture, I was very happy to be eating chocolate cake. haha Generally, I spent the whole nine months hurling my guts out when I was pregnant with boys. Being able to enter a McDonald's with all of the associated smells was doing something; getting to eat the cake was a really big bonus. :)

Day 9 – A Photo I Took

This is a photograph of a local Catholic church.

I love to take photographs that involve reflections in glass (so long as the camera doesn't include me in the shot!) and I love architecture. There are some very beautiful churches around here. One of the best features of this church is the little prayer chapel and garden that are reflected in the windows of the main church building. This shot was taken this spring when the roses were in bloom and bluebonnets were scattered around the churchyard.

Day 8 – A Photo That Makes Me Sad

This old photograph makes me sad.

You're probably wondering how on earth a photo of such a sweet little girl could make anyone sad. It saddens me for a multitude of reasons. I had never seen this picture until just after my grandpa died. It was in one of my grandma's albums on a page with other photographs printed on postcards from the mid-1930s. It reminds me of grandpa dying and of how hard Alzheimer's had grandma in it's grips. She couldn't tell me who the little girl was.

So, it is a sad picture because I do not know who this pretty little girl is and everyone who could tell me who she is (that I know of) is already dead. She is on my mental bucket list...I want to identify her somehow before I die, too.

I know who she isn't. She isn't my grandma, because in the mid-1930s, my grandma was a young adult in her early 20s. It isn't my mama because my mama wasn't born until the mid-1940s. It isn't her sisters, either, because they were also born in the 1940s.

As sad as it makes me to look at it, it is one of my most favorite pictures, and it gives me a purpose, finding out who she is and how she is connected to me.

Day 7 – A Photo That Makes Me Happy

This picture makes me very happy. It is one of the first pictures taken of me and my firstborn.

I spent much of my childhood dreaming of becoming a mama some day. I had his name chosen by the time I was fourteen years old. I named him after my great-grandpa, the father of my maternal grandma. I promised grandma's sister, my Aunt Mae, that I would name my firstborn son after their daddy. She died just before the doctor told me that I was pregnant. On my first date, with the man that I would eventually marry, I told him the name that I would give to my future firstborn son. Amazingly, he didn't run away. :)

David knew from the moment of conception that we had a baby coming. I started having baby dreams and the baby in the dreams was a boy. We took the Lamaze classes and did everything by the book...until it came time to go to the hospital. We knew that once I got to the hospital, I wouldn't be allowed to eat anything until after the baby was born, and for a first-timer, that could be even as long as a whole day. We stopped at Burger King and I ate a triple whopper with cheese, large fries and had a large drink. Right now I'm wondering how on earth I ate that much because I was already overloaded with the baby. There were no spare inches available, but somehow I made room for that burger and those fries.

We got to the hospital around 6pm on Wednesday evening and I delivered our son at 11:29am Thursday morning, surrounded by a class of student nurses that had to leave the birthing room by 11:30am. He didn't want to disappoint them.

Because I was so tense during the prenatal exams, the doctor wasn't so sure that I would be able to give birth naturally. He had the suction forceps at hand and the operating room was prepared in case a c-section was necessary. I aced it. Dr. Hearne said that I was his best Lamaze patient to date, especially for such a large first baby.

Jared was born exactly on his due date, 8 pounds 8 ounces of alertness that hit the ground running and hasn't stopped since.

That's my boy!

One Little Word: Freedom

Week 1 For Me; Week 17 For the Main Project

I have the intention of joining a photography challenge called One Little Word Captured.

We choose a word that is our word for the year and share our progress in photographs. My word is: Freedom

In order to reach true freedom, there has to be self-acceptance. This is something that I am working on. I have never had a good self-image. I lack confidence and generally would rather be invisible. I'm a loner in many ways and pretty much have to be forced into interacting with people in the flesh.

I have fought against being in front of the camera for years. There are very few pictures of me as an adult because I absolutely do not like to be photographed. I do not want to do it, but I need to do it. I need to accept myself as I am and I need to have pictures of me for my children and their children to come.

Yesterday, I went out with my camera to take photos of myself. I wore my favorite green shirt. But, even with that, I wasn't so sure about taking pictures of myself.

My youngest daughter came to see what I was taking pictures of in our backyard. When she saw that I was shooting myself, she said "SMILE!" But no matter how big I smiled, it wasn't big enough to suit her :) and I still wasn't sure I wanted the camera to capture me anyway.

So, I decided if I can't be beautiful, I can be silly. With my baby girl around, that is very easy to do. :)

By the way, I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't have done this shoot after all. It apparently was my camera's last time out and that 'last time' would have been so much better spent on roses.

Yes, I know. I have a long way to go on this road to freedom.

Please be sure to visit Jill's site: Life...As I See It to join in the fun!

PS! My youngest daughter assisted and took some of these shots. At this point, neither of us remember which ones I did and which ones she did. She's a mini-me, anyway. :)