Book Review: Softening the Grief By Joan E. Markwell, Janie Fields, Patricia Hollingsworth, and Susie McDonald

Softening the Grief

By Joan E. Markwell, Janie Fields, Patricia Hollingsworth, and Susie McDonald

Softening the Grief is a book written by and for women who have lost a child, and for those that love them and want to help them through such a heartbreaking time.

These women know, as I do, that the pain doesn’t stop just because the calendar ticks off two weeks or the friends stop coming by or calling. It is something that is in our hearts, a part of our being, until our own time comes.

This book lists many hurtful comments made by people that have not been there, that do not realize the hurt they are heaping upon an already broken heart. Suggestions for things to say instead of the usual “it happens to everybody” or “you have other children” are given. Most of the suggestions are good ones. A few, from my perspective, are just as hurtful as the original, unthinking comment.

These women and many others are members of a club that none of us wants to be in: The Bereaved Mothers Club. While Softening the Grief may be very helpful to those dealing with the loss of older and adult children, it doesn’t touch on the pain suffered by those who never got to know their children.  Those of us that have experienced miscarriage and stillbirth do not have memories of kindergarten or graduation or the other special moments with this child to lean back on. All we have is what might have been but never got a chance to be.

This book is great for the group that it serves. If you have a loved one in your life that has lost a child and you do not know how to help her deal with her traumatic loss, you will find this a good guide.

Softening the Grief earns 5 stars.  It is available if you need it and I pray you never do.

We were sent a complimentary copy of this book.  We are under no obligation to write any review, positive or negative.

We are disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255.

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Guest Post: 6 Things We Need to Stop Saying to Bereaved Parents

6 Things We Need to Stop Saying to Bereaved Parents

Joan Markwell knows the gut-wrenching, hollow feeling left behind when a child is taken too early. It’s a feeling that mothers have experienced recently and throughout the last few years after tragic attacks in Orlando, Manchester, London, San Bernardino, Calif., and Charleston, S.C., just to name a few.

With every new tragedy, vigil, story on the news or anniversary recognizing these events, plenty of mothers like Markwell – who lost her adult child to cancer – feel the sting of the wound that accompanies their loss.

While that wound may have healed, there is still a scar left as a reminder of the pain that still lives on for many grieving family members, including mothers who are surviving with that pain in many different ways.

“When a mother loses a child, the grief dictates her life,” says Markwell, author of the book Softening the Grief. “You don’t see an end to the pain. As the body reacts to the stress you feel, physical pain follows. Sleep is out of the question.”

It’s a grief that only they understand, however, and one that others usually don’t know how to deal with.

“The first time we meet a friend since the death of our child occurred can be frightening,” says Markwell, “It’s not that we don’t want to see them; we just can’t face anyone without tearing up.”

To avoid those awkward situations, Markwell offers up some phrases you should avoid saying to grieving parents and instead offers alternatives:

• “You Are So Strong.” In reality we are exhausted from trying to look strong. Try this instead: “I know it’s hard to be strong right now. I’m here for you to lean on anytime. I have an open heart and time to listen.”

• “Be Glad You Have Other Children.” We may have other children, but they cannot replace the child we’ve lost. Try this instead: “No child is replaceable, but I hope having your surviving children around you helps in easing the pain of your loss.”

• “You’re not the first mother who has lot a child.” Yes, but this is the first time I’ve lost my child. Try this instead: “I know mothers who have lost children and how much they grieved. That has made me aware of what a fight this is for you. You will continue to be in my thoughts.”

• “My child almost died, I know how you feel.” If you said this, you only had a clue about how it might feel to lose a child. Try this instead: “My child had a close brush with death, which was terrifying enough. There can be no comparison to actually losing a child.”

• “Time heals all wounds.” In time the mind covers wounds with scar tissue and pain lessens. But it’s never gone. Try this instead: “I hope in time your pain and grief will soften. Knowing it will take time, I stand beside you for the long haul.”

• “Everything Happens for a Reason.” There is never a good enough reason as to why our children were taken. Try this instead: “It goes beyond reason for any child to be taken from a mother. There was certainly no good reason to lose yours.”

“These awkward but common questions and statements can trigger a world of grief for bereaved mothers,” says Markwell. “When talking to a grieving parent about their lost child, it’s best to take a step back and choose your words carefully.”

About Joan E. Markwell

Joan Markwell is a small business and real estate owner who resides in Lawrenceburg, Ky. She is a former board member of the Lawrenceburg (Ky.) Chamber of Commerce, former board member of the Spencer County (Ky.) Tourism Board and former vice president of the National Association of Women in Construction, Bluegrass Chapter (Lexington, Ky.). Markwell lost her daughter Cindy – who was a mother of two herself – to cancer in 2013. Cindy’s children, Lucas and Samuel, are a big part of Markwell’s life, as is her son, Kris Fields.

Notice: This post contains affiliate links. If you click a link and make a purchase, we may financially benefit from your transaction, at no additional cost to you. Thank you for your support.
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Please be sure to visit David over at Random Thoughts and Observations.
I respond to all comments on this blog, ideally within 24 hours.  Please check back here for a response to your comment.  Thank you!
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