Today marks the first anniversary of the day that I lost my daddy. I was in a nursing home a thousand miles away with my husband as he recovered from an amputation. I didn't get to say good-bye to my daddy. He died alone. Mama and my sister were out shopping and called to check on him because he'd been sick. He had just recently been in the hospital. They didn't get an answer to their call, so they went home. There, they found him dead of an apparent heart attack.
This whole year I've felt so disconnected from things. It seems that everywhere I turn, something is focusing on the loss of a father. The play our daughters were in at the local college just weeks after my daddy's death nearly sent me to an asylum. I missed the first part of the play because the first few moments were so intense. The girl had lost her father and was feeling guilty about things. Ultimately, I got through it, but I left the theater bawling my eyes out. It was too hard and too soon.
When do the tears stop? Some things that I've read say that if you're still sad and crying two weeks later, then you need to go to the doctor, that something is wrong with you. How can that be? How can you spend your entire life loving someone, lose them, and then be completely over it with no emotions left in only two weeks time? I'm thinking, the relationship with my daddy started with my birth and my feelings about him will last until my death (and maybe beyond). Who are they to tell me that I'm nuts because I can't turn off love and heartache with the snap of their fingers?
I would love to hear your thoughts on "proper" time frames for grief and, if you've lost a parent or a significant person in your life, how you got to a point that you weren't in tears every time someone mentioned that parent.
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I can not imagine the loss of a parent, but I do know what it is like to loss a sibling. In 2006, my brother died from a self-inflicted gun wound. Accidental? Suicide? No one other than the good Lord knows the answer to this. For the longest time, I felt like he would have NEVER killed himself, but now I am not so sure. He was dealing with a very serious chronic problem with the vertebras in his neck, which would have eventually killed him, and he was in agonizing pain all the time. I do not stand in judgement of him, if this in the case. The peace I have is that I know he made his peace with God months prior to his death. He surrendered his life to Christ. The change was apparent. He was happier than I had seen him in years. Although, I was shellshocked by his death, God's comfort filled me. Other than my family helping me through this crisis, I found that talking about him often with others really made the difference for me. Even at the one year anniversary of his death, I cried and even today my eyes will get misty, especially around the holidays because I know how much he loved Christmas. At least I have fond memories of my baby brother. I hope your days get easier and they will. It's just a matter of getting to that point. God bless, dearie! BTW, I now have my linky up and added you to it. ;) Thanks for stopping by!
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs}}} I am so sorry about the death of your brother. I am glad that you have happy memories of him and that he made his peace with Heavenly Father.
DeleteEveryone tells me that it will get easier, but I'm wondering if it ever will. My grandma died in 1993 and I still am brought to tears talking about her. I'm no good at letting go.
Thanks for your prayers and you're in mine, too.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Have a great week!