31 August 2011

Writer's Workshop: Disappointments



Mama’s Losin’ It



The prompt that I have chosen from Writer's Workshop for this Thursday is:

"Write about a time you disappointed yourself."

There are plenty of times that I have disappointed myself as well as those around me. There are times that I didn't speak up when I should have. Those times will haunt me forever.

There are also those times that I did speak up, but should have kept my bratty mouth shut. One of these times especially makes me want to slap myself every time I think of it, which is often. I was on a mail list with a group of Christian women. We are Christians, but we are also human and not immune to being hurt or hurting others.

She was going through an awful divorce. My birth family had just fallen to pieces and I had new children living with me in addition to my own. I needed emotional support, someone to talk to, someone not in the thick of it. I turned to my online friends and was online often, all hours of the day and night. My husband was home because he was no longer to work the job he had been working due to complications of diabetes. The children had both parents available whenever they needed us.

I don't know what happened on the list, but a rift started. This friend attacked me for being online so much with barbs such as "who's taking care of your children while you're online?

She was digging, implying that I was no kind of mother because I was online often. When someone lashes out at me and I am already under significant stress (as I was after losing my family), I strike back and strike back I did. I hit below the belt and we all know that is against the rules of any fight. I hit back with "at least I HAVE a husband" and something along the lines that we both take care of the children.

I regretted it and was dreadfully sorry the second that I hit the "send" button. If only I could have unsent it, but I couldn't. The arrow hit its mark and no matter how many letters of heartfelt apology I sent to her, I never heard from her again. She never accepted my apology. I know this put the ball in her court, so to speak, this lack of forgiveness, but I never should have cut so low a blow to someone that I had considered a friend (not to anybody, at that!).

I disappointed myself and what is worse, I know that I disappointed my grandparents watching this from Heaven's side and brought hurt to my Father in Heaven, too. I disappointed Him by not holding my tongue, by not turning the other cheek.
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Please be sure to visit Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop to play along!

6 comments:

  1. We all have these moments, and thank you for putting this difficult one out there. Forgiveness is such a fickle thing, and I'm sorry you weren't received with forgiveness.

    I would hug you if I could.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sometimes we have said or done something we don't mean to, but what matters most is that we regret what we've done, we've asked for forgiveness and learned from it. And that's exactly what you have done. A real friend and a real Christian forgives. I'm a new follower :)

    Visiting from Mama Kat's prompt,
    Kate
    http://mommygrowingup.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn

    Thank you, Eileen. I appreciate the hug offer very much. :)

    Forgiving people when they've hurt me deeply is something that I struggle with, too. I can't blame her after the mean thing that I said to her. She can't possibly hate me any more than I hate myself for the cruelty I put on her with that statement.

    Thank you for visiting and commenting here. I appreciate it very much!

    Your sis in Christ,
    Suz

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Katya kate

    Thank you, Katya! I appreciate that very much.

    I don't feel like I was much of a friend saying such a mean thing to her. I should have turned the other cheek instead of unleashing my tongue (via my e-mail). This real Christian is a real human, too, and sure does a really good job of messing up, that's for sure!

    There is an issue that I am having a very hard time with right now. Both sides are having forgiveness issues. I can only hope that love wins out over the hurt both sides have caused each other.

    Thank you so much for commenting and becoming a new follower. I appreciate that very much. I look forward to reading your blog, too.

    Your sis in Christ,
    Suz

    ReplyDelete
  5. A previous poster said it best, a true friend and a TRUE Christian forgives. Despite the offense. The fact that you were instantly regretful as you hit the button shows that you were speaking out of anger and didn't allow yourself the time to walk away and think the situation through.

    Glad you posted. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. @SUPAHMAMA!

    Thank you, SupahMama. :) Learning to walk away until I cool down is something that I'm getting better with in regards to my online friends, but I still need a lot of work on it with in-person relationships.

    Thank you so much for visiting and commenting. Have a great night!

    ReplyDelete

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