19 June 2011

Father's Day

There's a lot on my mind this weekend. Today is Father's Day and my daddy is over a thousand miles away and David's daddy has been dead for 24 years. I miss them both terribly.

I don't call my daddy very often because it is a struggle for him to talk due to COPD. He struggles and it is hard to hear the trouble breathing without thinking about what this ultimately means.

What that means scares me. He is almost 70 years old. I don't want to make his struggle harder and I don't want the day to come that he isn't on the other end of the telephone. When he is, I spend a lot of the time trying not to cry because I should be there.

Too much of our time together has been stolen from us due to things out of both of our hands. The lies, the manipulations, the "no good deed goes unpunished" life that has happened, all worked together to put this distance between us. We are reconciled, but the distance, the miles, are still there and I don't like it. I want to go home.

Father's Day is an emotional day for me, loaded with so many "can't do" moments. My daddy is human, imperfect. None of us are perfect. Things could have been different, maybe, but one thing has always been true. My daddy loves me no matter what and has never stopped, even through the lies and the separation.

Happy Father's Day, daddy. I love you, no matter what.

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